Today I met with the dietitian to start the ball rolling on another liquid diet for yours truly. It's an appointment I've dreaded, as for all the jokes and light hearted comments I've made in the recent build up to this, I HATE IT.
I hate that I won't be able to eat because I love to eat. I hate that I'll be unbearably grumpy and a nightmare to be around because this is no one else's 'fault'. I hate that I'll feel utter fury and green-eyed jealousy more intense that the mintiest toothpaste when I see other people talk about food, post photographs of food, eat food within 30 yards of me. I hate that supermarkets, restaurants, coffee shops, canteens and burger vans will become redundant to me overnight. I hate that it's almost Christmas and I'll be drinking protein heavy milkshakes instead of eggnog. (For the record I don't even know what eggnog really is but it works for with my analogy so SUCK IT UP LIKE SPAGHETTI OH MY GOD I CAN'T EAT SPAGHETTI). I hate that my disease is making me do this. AGAIN.
Most of all I hate that this makes me feel weak and filled with self-pity. I hate having to laugh off something that really isn't funny. I hate it.
Do you get the general idea? Ok so now that the wallowing is out of my system I thought I'd try and do something productive with my misery. After chatting with my beloved, I've decided I'll record a little video diary for those interested and for those also on my liquid-only train to show a bit of solidarity and to show what life is actually like with chronic illness. This is frightening because although I share a lot on here and in my books, there are still moments when I am afraid and vulnerable and feel utterly alone, and I hope that sharing these with the wider world will help myself and others feel we are in it together. Although not literally because some of you TRAITORS WILL BE SCOFFING TURKEY AND CHIPOLATAS AND BRUSSELL SPROUTS AND YOU DON’T EVEN LIKE THEM BUT LOOK SHUT UP ABOUT FOOD OK?
So I will keep you updated with my miserable mis-adventures whether you like it or not. Please wish me luck in settling my gut while unsettling my relationships with an irritable attitude more foul than those brussell sprouts you keep eating look will you STOP GOING ON ABOUT BRUSSELL SPROUTS?! GODDDDDDDDDDDDDDDD SAKEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEE